come closer

Years of keeping a regular weekly holy hour has made it clear to me that I still don’t know how to do this right.

I’ve had a few very profound experiences in those opportunities for Adoration, but to be honest, it’s not a regular occurence. The more common experience is that I just show up. I never have to worry about Jesus showing up; he’s waiting for me. The weak link in the relationship is me.

Truth be told, I still, after all this time, struggle with what I think is the “proper” thing to do during Adoration. I teeter between going prepared with reading material, journals, and a list of prayers — things that I think are good and pleasing to the Lord — and showing up empty-handed ready to sit in silence and listen. More often than not, it’s a bit of a mix. I fear I am taking my agenda instead of being open to the Lord.

I fidget and get distracted in the silence.

I alternate between moments of sublime awe and spiritual desolation when I feel nothing at all. The latter would worry me if I didn’t also have moments of consolation like I experienced today. Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament at a cloister took me by surprise. The monstrance faced the nuns in the cloister. I had a perfect view of the side of the monstrance, and couldn’t see Jesus no matter where I  moved.

I felt like Zacchaeus hanging off the tree.

I thought of the hemorrhaging woman who wanted to get close enough to Jesus to just touch his cloak. And in the silence I heard come closer.

Closer to his Sacred Heart. Closer to his Love. I didn’t need to see to know my Lord was there.